A New Leaf for Yamato
by CraftswithKitten
Summary: Months after the Fourth Shinobi War and the village is slowly recovering from its loses. But Yamato is sick with guilt "Why did I survive this war?" he often wonders. Maybe Kakashi has the answer he needs. *KakaYama* (will post multiple chapters. If you like, please review)
1. Chapter 1

A New Leaf for Yamato

The air was painful, cold and dry. Yamato squinted at the already setting sun and pulled his winter cloak closer to his face. He sighed a deep and heavy breath, trying in vain to shake the sadness that had consumed him since the end of The Fourth Shinobi World War. But the pain and guilt wouldn't leave his chest.

The Konoha village was decorated with bright, colorful lanterns strung from the rooftops. Around him, the people of the village chattered with excitement for the New Year. And yet, Yamato could feel a tension in the air. Each time he made eye contact with a villager he could feel the accusation in their gaze. He moved through the crowds easily as they parted around him. He knew the villagers were avoiding him, and they had every right to. As far as he was concerned, he was a failure as a Shinobi.

"You deserve to be shunned..." a dark voice whispered in the corner of his mind. "You should've just died during the war."

Pain twisted in his chest as a fresh wave of guilt washed over him. Yamato closed his eyes, grasping at the fabric of his cloak just above his pounding heart. He sighed against gritted teeth. Suddenly, just being in the presence of the villagers felt like a sin. He struggled to control his breathing over the constricting sadness. The sharp sting of tears burned at his eyes, but before they could spill over, he ran off of the main road and into an adjoining alley.

Yamato pressed the palms of his hands against his stinging eyes until he saw stars. The chittering voices of the villagers blended with the screaming voice in his head until the two became indistinguishable, a roar in his ears. He tried to control his heaving chest with each ragged breath he took.

"Calm down!" he told himself, but the guilt was crippling. His head was spinning and he could hear the high pitched whistle of his wheezing lungs as he struggled for air. He wondered for a moment if anyone had noticed him yet, poorly concealed in an alley, fighting yet another panic attack. He wished the earth would open up and swallow him, and for a moment he considered using his earth style jitsu to do just that.

"You should've died!" the voice screamed at him "You were never never suited to save anyone! You deserved to die!"

Yamato fell to his knees, clutching at his aching heart, unable to breath. The cold air now burned his tear streaked face. Darkness began clouding his vision. He heard the clank of his face protector as his forehead hit the ground. He was gasping hard, tasting dust as he forced each breath. His vision blurred as the weight of his guilt overtook him.

"Tenzo!"

Strong arms pulled Yamato to his feet, snaked around his waist and lifted him out of the alley.

* * *

Yamato's eyes fluttered open and he awoke feeling more refreshed than he had in weeks. Filtered moonlight illuminated the room, and Yamato blinked in confusion as he realized he was lying on a couch in a home that wasn't his own.

"I gave you something to help you sleep, you looked like you needed it. I hope you don't mind."

Yamato sat up, facing the voice. "Kakashi-Senpai..."

Kakashi was standing in the doorway, his lazy eyes staring into Yamato. He had hoped Yamato would've slept through the night after the state he had found him in. Never before had he seen Yamato in such open anguish, and thought he might've been trapped in a genjutsu, before recognizing the panic attack for what it was. The realization of what his friend was going through was what had him decide not to take Yamato to the hospital, and instead try to care for him in a more private setting.

Yamato shifted under the weight of Kakashi's piercing gaze. The fact that Kakashi wasn't in his usual uniform, his face uncovered, and clad only in a thin white t-shirt and over sized sweats, made it all the more difficult for Yamato to maintain eye contact. He stared down, hands clenched around the warm sheet that covered his legs.

"Why am I in your home, Senpai?" he asked softly.

Kakashi walked over to the window and pulled the curtain aside. A full moon of light refracted off of a thick blanket of snow.

"It's been snowing for quite a while Tenzo. You should go back to sleep."

Frustration spiked in the pit of his belly. "I don't need sleep! I-" Yamato stopped abruptly. He knew exactly why he was there and guilt swelled in his chest. A long moment of silence stretched between them. Kakashi watched Yamato with a faint sadness.

"Well Tenzo, if you're not tired, I'll make you some tea."

" Please! Call me Yamato!" Yamato flinched at the harshness of his tone, but Kakashi simply walked into the kitchen and began filling the kettle with water. Again the room was filled with a tense silence.

"Senpai, I... Apologize. I..." Yamato hung his head in shame, as he struggled to offer up an explanation. He could feel the anxiety welling up again, the regret and shame that consumed him. He felt guilty for simply surviving the war and the guilt multiplied knowing he was used to help kill fellow Shinobi.

"Fuck." he thought as ever persistent tears stung his eyes. "Fuck..." he sighed.

Kakashi watched Yamato solemnly. He studied the slope of his shoulders; he could hear it in his voice and see it in the air around him. More than anything, he could see the self loathing in his eyes. To see his Kohai in such a manner... it hurt his heart. He sighed, turned the kettle off, and reached for the sake, pouring Yamato a generous cup.

"Drink this."

Yamato looked up to see a warm cup of clear liquid before his face. He reached for the glass slowly, deliberating with himself. He knew better than to drown his anxieties in liquor, but he was so exhausted from the nonstop mental battles. He grabbed the cup and swallowed its contains in a single gulp. Kakashi simply poured him another cup, remaining silent when he finished the second cup in the same manner as the first. Warmth pooled in his belly and radiated out through his limbs before resting on his cheeks and making him blush.

"Thank you, Kakashi-Senpai." he said softly as he grabbed the yet again refilled cup from Kakashi.

Kakashi sat on the seat besides him and took a sip from the bottle before looking over to Yamato. They locked eyes for a moment , and Yamato though it strange to see Kakashi without his Sharingan. But the sight of Kakashi without his mask was also a bit strange and the soft smile pulling at Kakashi's lips was- Yamato's eyes snapped back up to met Kakashi's. Kakashi looked dead serious.

"I won't pretend to know what you're feeling," Kakashi spoke matter of factly, in the same tone he reserved for missions, "The life of a Shinobi is... painful to say the least. And what happened today, it doesn't make you less of a man... or less of a Shinobi. Yamato, you're not alone." and then a little softer "I'm here for you, when you're ready, and if you never are... well," he rested a heavy hand on Yamato's shoulder "I'll still be here with you."

It was the sake, in a hundred years he would never admit to anything else. It was the sake that had pulled his guard down and allowed Kakashi's words to pierce deep into his ailing heart. He tried biting the inside of his cheek to stop the swell of emotion, but the first sob came out with a wretched gasp. His arm came up to bury his face within the crook of his elbow, but Kakashi pulled him tight against his chest and held him even as his body shook fiercly with his weeping. He clenched at his aching heart, and Kakashi pulled him closer still, until Yamato understood, and wrapped his arms around Kakashi. He sobbed and sobbed until his throat felt raw and his head spun with exhaustion. All the while, Kakashi whispered against his hair.

"Tenzo... It's OK Tenzo..."


	2. Chapter 2

Kakashi's own heart ached for his friend. In the darkness of the room, his body shaking with Yamato's anguish, he didn't fight the few silent tears that slipped from his eyes. He remembered the pain and guilt after Obito... after Rin... the type of guilt that lasts a lifetime.

"Kakashi... I should've known better..." Yamato gasped, finally pulling away and wiping at the hot tears on his stinging cheeks. He took in a shuddering breath. "If I would've avoided capture... If I had fought harder...I-I should've done better." his voice trembled with each word. "With everything I've been used for..." he hung his head, heavy tears sitting on the rims of his thick-lashed eyes. "I should've died out there..."

"Maa... chances are you would've died out there!"

Yamato looked up at Kakashi but Kakashi was focused on the moon, massive and brilliant, it's radiance powerful and far-reaching.

Kakashi sighed, "We were mere men fighting a god..." His eyes snapped to focus on Yamato. "You didn't stand a chance Yamato. None of us did... not against them." He touched Yamato's cheek and wiped a few freshly formed tears from Yamato's lashes. Yamato closed his eyes as his face reddened.

"Senpai..."

"What we faced out there... only Naruto could've stopped them. As far as your mission goes, you kept safe the only one who could've saved us. I'd say you were successful in your mission."

He swiped his thumb along Yamato's cheek and cradled his face before pulling Yamato to his chest. Yamato gasped when he felt Kakashi press a kiss onto the top of his head. "Don't speak so lightly of your death..." Kakashi breathed against his hair, "I would've deeply regretted losing you."

Yamato's eyes widened in surprise. "Kakashi-Senpai..." With Kakashi's lips pressed against his soft, dark hair, Yamato's heart ached in a new way. _'This is where I belong...'_ he thought, remembering the dream he had while under the Infinite Tsukuyomi. _'Where ever Kakashi is... that's where I belong.'_

Kakashi wasn't sure what it was that had possessed him to press a kiss to his Kohai. The end of the war- the closure it had provided for Kakashi- had softened his heart. The adoration he had received for so many years from Tenzo, the adulation without equivocation was finally something Kakashi could acknowledge the validity of. He pressed another lingering kiss against Yamato's hair and felt the hitch of Yamato's breath.

"K-Kakashi" Yamato's voice trembled, barely a whisper. The heat that pooled in his belly sent shivers up his spine. He licked his drying lips, trying to control his clipped breaths. In his emotional state he didn't want to mistake the cascading moonlight as romantic. Maybe the warmth, the inescapable heat, radiating from Kakashi's body was simply the effects of the Sake. He didn't want to mistake the compassion for more than friendship. And he didn't want to mislabel the kiss- lingering and warm, Kakashi's arms wrapped around him, holding their bodies together- as anything more than a placating gesture.

Yamato sat up, a deep blush heavy on his cheeks. "Thank you." He inhaled deeply and swallowed the remainder of his Sake, trying to ignore the heated stare Kakashi was directing at him. "Can I, uh, use your restroom?"

"Down the hall." Kakashi replied, his gaze still focused on Yamato's sullen features.

Yamato studied his face in the mirror. His eyes were red-rimmed and swollen. Red splotches marked his cheeks and nose. "Embarrassing." he mumbled to himself. He splashed his face with cool water, washing away the dust, and salt, and rising heat from his cheeks. He steadied his trembling hands on the counter and tried to slow down his racing heart, but warmth surged in his chest as he thought about Kakashi's words.

 _'I would've deeply regretted losing you.'_

"Fuck..." Yamato sighed as he suppressed a wave of longing. He raked a hand through his damp hair and rested his fingers on where Kakashi had placed the two kisses. Without his face guard on, scrutinizing himself in the mirror, he suddenly felt very vulnerable. The years he spent in Anbu should've rid him of this excess emotion- it did- but as with so many other things, Kakashi was the exception to the rule. And Kakashi had his heart from the day he had decided not to kill Yamato, from the moment he had called him friend. That would never change...

* * *

When Yamato returned, Kakashi was leaning against the kitchen counter and had poured them both a fresh cup of Sake.

"Ah, thank you Kakashi-Senpai. Hmmm, festive." he said, nodding to the few newly lit lanterns.

"Well, it is technically Christmas eve now." Kakashi replied.

Yamato smiled, reaching for his drink. Kakashi smiled back, handing him the cup, and as their fingertips brushed, Kakashi found himself staring at Yamato's face. A soft blush dusted Yamato's cheeks, just as it always did anytime he paid Yamato any excess attention. Yamato blushed a deeper hue as Kakashi's heated gaze lingered.

Just above a whisper, Yamato questioned "Uh... Senpai?"

"Why do you still refer to me as Senpai?" Kakashi asked, eyes still focused on Yamato's blushing face.

"You'll always be my Senpai..." he replied softly, "Why do you still call me Tenzo?"

"Because you deserve a name that's more than just a code name. And that name, Tenzo, was important to you...and-" Kakashi took a heavy gulp from his cup, and then locked eyes with Yamato before finishing "-you'll always be my Tenzo."

Heat rushed through Yamato's body, flaring up his neck and making him dizzy. "Kakashi... I-" He touched his lips to the Sake to drink, trying to mask his rising desire. The cup trembled in his hand so he set it down on the counter. He looked over to Kakashi who was watching him again with the same heated stare. In a moment of sudden bravery, Yamato closed the distance between them, his hands cupped Kakashi's face and he brought them together until their lips were a breath apart.

"If I'm overstepping my boundaries... If I've misread you..." his large expressive eyes darting between Kakashi's. The warmth of his breath ghosted across Kakashi's lips. "Please, tell me if I'm wrong."

"No." Kakashi said, and Yamato began to lose his nerve. He sighed shakily. "No."

Kakashi studied Yamato's face, saw the sincere desperation and desire. It wasn't the first time Yamato had expressed his feelings for Kakashi. _'I should've known better.'_ Kakashi thought. He knew those dark stares wouldn't go unnoticed, and yet Kakashi couldn't help himself. He had always turned his Kohai down. He didn't have the desire to string anyone along, nor did he need another heartache to deal with when a mission proved fatal. But now, with the end of the war, with everything that had transpired... the capture and presumed death of Tenzo, only to discover he had survived the war...

For the majority of his life Kakashi truly believed he didn't deserve love. And yet, here Tenzo was, still willing to give Kakashi his heart. With a surge of hope and long-standing desire, Kakashi decided to finally allow himself to be loved. The realization clenched at his heart and tightened his throat, and although he wanted to be witty in his reply, he found he could only say 'no'. When Yamato's eyes widened with sadness of the expected rejection, Kakashi felt his heart clench painfully.

"No." Kakashi repeated the word softer than a whisper as he closed the space between them.


End file.
